The Unbearable Ugliness of Golf Shoes

Ugly in a good way.

Roll that phrase around in your head for a few seconds, and I think you'll agree with me that there exists a rare but fascinating class of things that are indeed ugly in a good way. (Referred to hereafter as "UIAGWs".)

Some examples of UIAGWs include the Volkswagen Thing, Picasso's Guernica and Sarah Jessica Parker. To wit, these things don't trip our normal beauty sensors and yet for some undeniable reason we find them attractive. In a way, it makes them even more wonderful than their traditionally beautiful counterparts. I said, "in a way."

So despite the clearly documented existence of UIAGWs (an acronym whose usefulness I am now calling into question), it shouldn't confuse the fact that some things are just unaccountably, needlessly and obnoxiously ugly.

Here's where the golf shoes enter the discussion.

For non-golfers, I do want to point out that golf shoes are important and not just another pointless golf accessory. Just a week or so ago, Human Torch forgot his and wore more ordinary shoes to play. After about two swings on the first hole, in which he accidentally bent himself into the Revolved Half Moon Pose, he said, "I guess I should have worn my golf shoes." True, though on the upside, it normally it takes a diligent yoga student 3 to 5 years to learn the Revolved Half Moon.

So before we go any further, get a gander at my shoes:















Now the last thing I'll ever admit to is some kind of shoe obsession (wow, it's like the spirit of UIAGW Sarah Jessica Parker is all over this post), but still, I know how much a nice pair of shoes does for you in creating a good impression. This is particularly true if you're a man trying to impress a woman. (Sadly, women, this doesn't really work in reverse because we didn't notice you were wearing shoes. Sorry.)

So to complete this crazy tangent, my advice to you guys is buy 1 pair of $200 shoes instead of 3 pairs of $66.67 shoes. I know it sounds crazy, but you'll be glad you did. End tangent.

Why then are golf shoes so aggressively ugly? Not ugly in a good way, not even in a 'so bad it's good' way, or even a 'painfully, tragically bad and therefore ironic' way. Nope, just good old fashioned ugly.

I know, I know, some are better. I've looked, and while some are less obnoxious than the traditional white and brown, it's a narrow range. If you rated golf shoes on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being "most golf shoes, probably including the ones you own" to 10 being "still a shoe unappealing enough to drive away any straight woman within 50 feet," you're still doing pretty bad.

I just don't see why it has to be this way. Could the goal be to keep women off the course? If so, I'm obviously against that. Could it be that in an industry primarily catering to straight men, nobody's noticed or gives a rip? If that were true, couldn't the shoes just be plain? Or wouldn't they have dinosaurs biting each other on them or flaming skulls or electric guitars?

Let's face it: golf is cool-challenged enough; there's no need for extra degrees of difficulty. Basketball players might not dress to impress on the court, but their shoes don't make them look like a bunch of dorks either. In fact, they look cool, and that's a problem.

Nothing in the golf world is quite as impressive athletically as a huge windmill dunk, so I'm not suggesting that you'll ever look THAT cool. On the other hand, you are swinging a big metal stick and hitting an object a long, long way. Back in the days of primitive humans, I think that would trigger a strong desire impulse on the part of an eligible female. Just imagine the hunting prowess of such a caveman, she'd think. She's be almost certain to want to produce his offspring and propogate the species with his DNA.

Until she got a look at his shoes. Dealbreaker, cave dude.