Saturday, May 10, 2008

You Probably Hate Golf...

I understand. I really do. Lucky for you, this isn't a blog about golf. It's about about me, golfing.

You're probably not burning with curiosity about me, either, but in case you'd like to know who's working the Imac on this blog, here are a couple of tidbits:

-My name is Jim McCarthy. I'm the CEO of a company called Goldstar that is the best place in the whole wide world to find a great night of live entertainment at a price that'll make you want to have dessert with dinner, including cappuccino. Some of you may already be Goldstar members or customers, and we thank you.

-I took up golf at the age of 37 and spent most of my life previous to that with a burning desire to beat up the doofuses that spent their weekends walking around a course in fugly golf shirts and geeking out on their fancy clubs.

-I'm not a very good golfer. I'm getting better, but I'm still wretched. Watching me golf is like watching a four year old sweep a dirty floor: nothing's going where it's supposed to; improvement is painfully slow, and somebody's probably going to get hurt. Some of my shots should be nominated for the Congressional Medal of Ugly.

So why should you follow this blog? I'll give you two reasons that seem plausible:

First, I promise that if you read this blog regularly, you'll sometimes be mildly amused. It could be better than that, but you've got a Money-Back Guarantee that it will be at least Occasionally Mildly Amusing (void where prohibited.)

Second, if you want to learn a bit about how to start golfing and why it's so much fun, you'll probably like what I'm writing about. Why? Because, true to my slightly obsessive nature, I'm pretty serious about golf. I play once or twice a week and practice 2 or 3 other times. I have a book of Jack Nicklaus's 100 greatest lessons next to my bed. I have a small putting green in my office; I do golf-related exercises when I go to the gym. I named my recently born daughter Tigera Woods. I log all my shots in a little notebook when I play and analyze how to improve. Instead of a stress ball, I have a hand strength exerciser on my desk to improve my grip while I'm at work.

All but one of those things are true. I'll leave you to wonder which.

Ok, just a couple more things about what to expect here. I will be writing mostly about me, golfing. What I did, how I did, what I tried, what I learned, and what I'm going to be doing next. I'll try to include pictures sometimes, and I will try to make it funny. I'll keep the cursing to a minimum, but no iron clad guarantees there, dammit.

Also, I'm not going to talk about professional golf. In the words of Eric Cartman, "Booorrrinnng!" Don't get me wrong; those guys and girls are total gods. There's a woman pro at my local public course that occasionally hits with the regular goons, and she's a fargin' machine. Every hit is a thing of beauty, and yet she struggles to make the pro tour.

No, it's not that they're not good, but nobody wants to read about golf. You know Tiger's the man. Do you care about anything else? I didn't think so. Neither do I.

Last, I'd like to invite any and all golf equipment makers to send me anything they'd like me to try. I promise to try it and give it a completely objective write-up as soon as I get on the course, which is often. (Did I say completely objective? You're the one kind enough to send me top-flight equipment to use for free. How could I not return that gesture of friendship with my own? I'll be like those movie critics who call Wayan's Brothers movies "Smart, witty, and sure to be a hit!" Except funny.)

So that's it for the intro, but one last thing. The first person who identifies the source of this blog's title wins a prize of my determining whenever we come to the point when there's a winner.


Princess Sass of Frass said...

The first person who identifies the source of this blog's title wins a prize of my determining whenever we come to the point when there's a winner.

Michael Scott, head of the Scranton branch of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company: 'Chili's is the new golf course, it's where business happens.' Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan: It said that?
Michael: It will, I sent it in; letter to the editor.

Jim McCarthy said...


Late, but correct. Somebody actually answered offline and won, I'm afraid...

But there will be more contests on the way! Thank you for commenting!

Princess Sass of Frass said...

Hey no worries, the Human Torch wanted whatever the prize was anyway. Has the youngest bro always been so prize-obsessed? Geez.

Jim McCarthy said...

Yeah, kinda. Him and Barely Legal. Both are prize hounds. Barely Legal made me rig a whole contest just so she could win.

Princess Sass of Frass said...

Why is it extremely easy to imagine him all sorts of excited about finally being able to open a new cereal box to get the toy prize only to discover that someone else already opened the box, took the prize, and resealed the box with glue? And I don't just mean last Wednesday morning.